In opposite to the past years I'm not gonna come up with a list of resolutions - I only got one. Second day into the new year I spent in front of the fireplace, writing down negative thoughts and things in my life from the past year (basically everything that'd make me gloomy and sad faced). Then I threw them on the fire, staked on a stick.

2012 shall for me be a year of happiness, positive thoughts, laughter and a healthy attitude. Now I'm well aware of throwing a bunch of notes on the fire won't create any hokus pokus and I'll automatically get a Botox smile. But it's a start. The nice lunch meeting and trip to the cinema after with a good friend was a start. And saying sorry, here and now, for anything I've done wrong or anyone I've let doing wrong against me is also a start. 
I believe that few people are thoroughly bad, and that those who does wrong does so because of self-preservation, wants and a momentarily incapability to consider others' point of views/feelings. I believe that counts for most, me included. So I'll regret my mistakes instead of excusing them and go on. Humans fail. Same counts for everyone and everything I felt hurt or attacked by. I'm just moving on from it, happy in the belief things happened because of some reasons I'm ignorant of and not because I might have a dartboard on my back. heeh.

So this year: positive attitude. I'm gonna concentrate on what matters for me...

Cheerleading

Writing

New Zealand, summer 2012

and the best of

friendships <3

Take out your colouring pencils and blank papers people, it's a new year!

Merry Christmas Everyone!

While you all lovelies in Wales and England opened your presents this morning, me and my family along with the rest of Norway opened ours  yesterday. A foreigner fact from across the pond is that we celebrate on the 24th with all the traditions that belongs. Church for some, the traditional films on tv for others, food, some dessert, and then presents, presents, and presents with some laughter on top.  

On little Christmas eve I had trouble finding my old Christmas sock so I went for a cheeky old sock instead. Don't think Santa minded as when I woke up it was just to grab it and eat candy to the traditional Christmas films on tv, 'Tre nøtter til Askepott' and 'Reisen til Julestjernen'. 

This year we took up an old tradition we haven't been doing since my little cousins were small. But now we got my niece and nephew in the right age so now it was time to go in a bunch and see if the barn-santa was still coming to ours for Christmas (A very Norwegian tradition).  

and then everyone went home to change the christmas sweaters into dresses and suits. When people returned from Church it was time for a lovely Christmas dinner and...

Presents!

Now really I find myself these last Christmases that I don't care that much for the presents (of course I love getting some, it's always exciting) but it's more fun to see my family's faces when they open theirs from me. I think I did a good job this year as well as last year - win! 

Not everything is easy during Christmas, and especially not this year. Me and my niece is also namesisters, which makes the present-opening quite eventful but laughable. Only this year it become pointed out and realized that the reason we always know 'To Christina, from Mom and dad' is for her is because there's only one of us this is possible for. My brother patted my head and I smiled. Smiled because I was in a room with people I loved, even tho I for the first time really needed two more people to be there. 

When I went to bed I kept thinking, thinking that I don't have one Christmas memory with any of my parents. Not one besides from my first years which was taped. Then I kept thinking of everyone that don't get to have their loved ones on Christmas, and especially of the families of the victims of 22nd of July. Then I asked for peace and a good Christmas for them all and fell asleep. 

Sometimes things happens and you can't explain it. I don't know if it was too much thinking, or because I wanted it so bad, but on this Christmas night I had a dream of my dad, and that we hugged and cried together. The memory of it still had me crying after I woke up this morning. If it was happy or sad tears I cannot say: I still wanted to hug him, but I was so glad to had felt him close for once after all these years. I believe it was a little of both kinds of tears - but I was glad. 

And so this became a very special Christmas for me. And I hope it was/is a good Christmas for all of you too <3

And maybe be a bit more excited than this one, hah!

He could hear small sounds of water drops sinking into the surface as he slowed down his pace by the bathroom door. After a deep breath he opened it with a firm hand and entered. She had already soaked herself into the bathtub, her upper body resting against the frame. She looked back at him with an anxious expression, her chest barely rising by exhaustion.
'What are you doing?' he asked as he hurried over and took the hand she reached out for him.
'I thought this might calm her.' She breathed out and folded her free arm around her naked body, 'Did you call them?'
'Yes, they'll be here soon. Do yo - '
'Good. There's not much time left. She's trying to break out.' Tiredly she closed her eyes.
He studied her expression and worn-out features. 'Don't you think you'll manage to keep her in?'
'She's far too strong. Are you regretting the decision?'
'No. I mean... I don't want to lose you.'
'Don't go back on the decision, promise me? I'm so sorry for the hard time this has put you through.' Her body quickly shifted and her eyes grew with worry.
'I promise,' he whispered, 'It's alright.' She closed her eyes. A moment of silence.
'John?'
'Yes?'
'I'm scared.' Her voice quivered.'Don't be, look around you. You got candles and aromas to calm you down. You're safe.'
'I'm scared John. I don't want to go. Call and cancel.'
He raised one eyebrow.
'It'll be alright, we have to do this.' He said shortly.
'I don't want to go John. Don't let them take me. I don't like the clothes there.'
'It will be alright, they'll bring you back to me.'
'You think so John... Do you think I'll come back?' She looked at him, her eyes turning glossy and red. He studied her face and tucked a wet lock of hair behind her ear.
'You have to.' He said firmly.
'Will you love me even when she's gone?'
'I only love you. You're the sweetest, kindest, gentlest... and I only love y-' He choked on his words. Immediately he hid his face against his arm, letting the tears come unnoticed.
'Please... don't let them take me John.' She whispered desperately. He let out a muffled sob. His back was shaking.
'You have to go...'
'But why John? Why!?' Her voice grew annoyed and louder, steadier. He looked up and let go of her hand.
The doorbell chimed.
'John..!' Her eyes grew wide and her hands gripped the edge of the bathtub; the water rippled by her quick movement.
'I'll be right back love - we have to do this. It will be ok.' He stood up and quickly backed out of the room.
'John!'
Her shout repeated itself in his mind as he hurried to the door and opened it. Two policemen and a nurse stormed in.
'Where is she?'
'Bathroom.' John breathed out and they left him. Screams. Yells. The police's voices shouted calming instructions. She screamed after him. On instinct he ran to her aid, but the sight stopped him in the doorway. She was standing in the bathtub, the water moving in waves like blades around her. Her expressions were wild and almost animated, vicious and enraged. The nurse was helplessly trying to shield her with a towel, for whose sake he wasn't sure.
'John! Don't let them do this, John! Don't let them do this to us!'
'I'm not,' he mumbled, 'I'm letting them do this to you.'
Her eyes narrowed and she stopped for an instant staring at him, then her lips curled. In this moment of peace the policemen managed to grab her and take her out and down on the floor where they locked her in a white jacket. The incapability to move had her realise what had happened. She spat out in fury, cursed them all and did her best not to stand on her own two feet when they tried to move her out. But they were stronger and the two men carried her out between them.
'You'll never see her again, John, I'll keep her within me!'
A realization; He ran after.
'Wait!'
'Sir, we need to get her to the ordered destination.'
'I know, I just need to say...to say goodbye.' He begged. They stopped. The two policemen exchanged glances, but his eyes were set on her.
 'Please, let me say goodbye.' He said directly to her. She stared back at him, a twisted grin painted on her lips.
'I want to say goodbye...because I love her and I know she'll come back to me.' His jaws strengthened as he bit his teeth together. Her grin twitched, and it was almost as if her eyes softened for a second - long enough for her eyes to turn glossy. Then the cackle erupted and the policemen shook their heads, escorting her out.
'It will be OK, she'll come back. She'll get good treatment with us.' The nurse reassured him, but her eyes were all out of hope. He looked after them as they brought her away from their home. In that moment he knew that he didn't want her to return even though he knew he would never stop hoping that she would. In that moment he truly felt how it was to be torn in two. 

This is from a seminar assignment I had in Creative writing a month ago or something. Sorry the layout is so shit, but this webthing and my word-document just didn't agree. Copyrighted and written by me, 

My following words isn't as much directed to people my age (cause we should be old enough to already know this) but people more on this boy's age. 

You're all to enter a phase where it feels like you can either be the one bullying, or be the one being bullied. But if that's what you believe then you forget that you actually can be the person inbetween. As you become older you'll learn that there is nothing great about being a bully. There's no respect. There's no fear. There's no idolizing. The people that are being respected and liked are the ones that can seperate what's wrong and what's right. It's the ones that don't bully but accept everyone and anyone for who and how they are. 

Save yourself some regrets for the future. Stand up for people like this kid, who gets bullied and looked down on. It is not right that anyone should experience that. It is not right that anyone should grow up struggling through life and hating it because someone else is insecure about themselves. Because that's what bullying really is: big children that hasn't grown up and needs to push others down to their level because they can't walk tall enough themselves. 

To those out there being bullied there's not much I can think of saying at the moment which I bet you haven't already heard. I just want to say I hope your luck will turn soon; I hope either you or some fantastic person will stand up for you/yourself - not because you should, but because you can. You are better than these people. Take care and always, always remember it isn't you there is something wrong with. It is them. 

Photo//Google
"Blogging people AGAINST bullying"

Last year was a bit strange, being in a new country while all the traditions were back home. Needless to say I was very very homesick. I haven't felt much of that so far tho, a little bit, but not too much. It might be because we were more prepared this year. Me and my flatmate bought in all the Norwegian Christmas food we would need, got ourself a christmas tree, calenders and the norwegian televisioned advent calendars on dvd. We're celebrating christmas in our own perfect little style now and I couldn't have felt more Christmassy.

1st of December was celebrarted by decorating the house and attending the Winter Snow Ball for charity. It was a wonderful day, even tho I got stuck by the chocolate fountain at the end of the night.... yuuum.... (A)

2nd of December we arranged a little Christmas get-together. We were decorating the tree, playing traditional Christsmas music, watching lovely Christmas films and eating food like "Risengrøt", Norwegian Waffles with "Brunost" and jam, gingerbred-snowmen and drinking norwegian "julebrus". It was such a fabulouse Christmassy day. oh the pleasure of arranging Christmas in your own appartment, in your own way <3 

Photos taken by Me and Ina B. S. M. 

And everyday for the rest of the weekend, me and Trine have woken up to watch ONE episode of "Blåfjell" on dvd every morning - keeping to the rules <3 

HAPPY DECEMBER EVERYONE & A MERRY CHRISTMAS

Moulin Rouge taught us that "the greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return". 

- well I'm not gonna deny that it's quite a nice lesson in so many ways, but there's no point in loving another if you don't love yourself. It is in my personal opinion that you'll hardly be capable to fully learn that lesson if you haven't learned the ones regarding yourself. 

Not too long ago I wrote an article about confidence, how it's important to fight for it (because there'll always be people trying to take it away from you) and in the end be able to be your own judge. I still believe that to be one of life's greatest lessons, got no doubt on the matter, but I also want to mention another one. Egoism and arrogance is nothing new to anyone I'll bet. The world are full of people who acts after their own wishes, goals, lust and amusement. I'm not an angel on the matter, I believe very few are and they're probably not aware of it because they're too naive and giving (it's not a bad thing; it's a sad thing because there's nothing but goodness in those people and people take advantage). One can't blame people for being egoistic either - we're responsible for our own lives and one can't argue that everyone deserves to do what makes them happy. But we can narrow our eyes on those that intentionally uses and stamps on other people for their own amusement and status. One example I want to bring up is from a night where I was walking along the seafront to have some fresh air and clear my mind. As I walked out on the pier, a drunk boy with a girl under each arm shouted "You're not gonna kill yourself are you?" at me. All three of them walked of in laughter. 
Needless to say I was disgusted. Very very disgusted. I know so many (depressed) people having hard times and depression itself that I thanked the sky that it hadn't actually been a suicidal person meeting this trio. I wouldn't be surprised if that person had jumped. I really wouldn't. In that moment me myself lost quite alot of belief in people, how would then a person too far down feel?

Another example I wanna bring up is from a night out this weekend (I know, many night outs, but I do believe that's when people's usually show their true colors). There'd been some fights and there were two unconscious boys laying in the entrance of the club. One of them had his mouth filled with blood and the police was trying their best to figure out what happened. I didn't see it, I wish I had so I could have helped. Maybe that wish was why I got annoyed when a guy was boasting next to me to his mates that he had seen it all. I told him to go tell the police. He said he wouldn't. I baffled asked him why. He wasn't a snitch (obviously he must have been one of those watching when people was being put in the toilets as kids). I questioned his IQ. He called me a lesbian and a bitch. It was quite a lovely conversation really. So mature. I called him a gay and a dick after that. Yeah I know, I didn't do any better.  In all fairness after enough hassle from me he went to the police and told them what he'd seen. 

I still don't get what the problem was with doing that in the first place tho. Thanks to witnesses, the police are capable to save time and solve cases which actually means something for the offended (families). When people can be so arrogant and so cowardly as in these examples, in the age we're in now, there's absolutely no wonder we got big bullies running wars over our planet. Facebook got my religion saved as "humanity". I don't believe in figures from religions swooping down over our earth and making it all better. I believe that we ourselves are responsible in shaping our lives, futures and world by the choices we make and the attitude we have when making the choices. The boy and his crew might still think of me as a bitch, but I'd rather them think that of me than myself thinking myself for being a coward and not standing up for what was right. As long as you do that, it's not too bad that you don't think of global warming or polution, because at least you've tried to do something. The lesson is that one single action won't matter much in the bigger picture, but it will matter for you as a person and affect the ones around you. And that's when it makes a difference. 

 On this night, 10 years ago, a tired face couldn't sleep. People walked down the stairs. Well if they couldn't sleep there was no wonder I couldn't. Being curious I cheekily went out of bed, planning to ask for a glass of water to check out what all the noise was about. No one seemed to mind me coming down. No one seemed to chase me back to bed. They were all in tears, dragging their feet over the floor as if they were sleepwalking. I had never seen Grandpa's serious face in tears before. It seemed surreal. They told me about the call. You were dead, dad. 

I didn't get to say goodbye. I didn't get to see you one last time. There wasn't even a coffin. Ashes to ashes. I've always accepted it. My attitude has always been to live and let die, past is past - I have to move on. I've always been alright about it, until now.. 
I've been dreading this day for the last months. There's been a constant aching in my  heart.  An itch that suffocates my chest and makes me wanna grab whatever bothers me and rip it out. Loneliness has been coming from every angle and all I've wanted is for someone to hold their arms around me - only I've been too scared cause I knew I'd break down. I've been more emotional than all these ten years all together. A proper mess. I've been trying to be strong, to hold my head up when things have gone wrong. I've been trying to do my very best and be a good person, to do what's right and stand up against what's wrong. I've just been wanting to make you proud and stand tall. But I ended up beyond the breaking point. My trust have been tested. My beliefs and my strength. I'm sorry. I got brought to my knees, pushed and stamped on by all the conflicts life keeps throwing at me. Yet I've been keeping it quiet, hidden behind smiles, and it hurts. I haven't been able to talk to anyone, I wanted to talk to you. I've rather been walking to the sea to let the waves crush against me like this pain's been doing. I've been wanting to crumble up in a heap and cry for you to come back and tell me things are gonna be alright. I've been wanting you to come back and be my dad. I need you to be my dad cause goddamnit I've been missing you!

Maybe the hardest fact is that if  I could have chosen it to be differently I wouldn't have, because you'd still be in pain if you were alive. I was lucky and got some extra years with you, the only years I can remember. I can live with that. And I will live with that. I'll stand tall, because if ever there has been anything I've learned from you being gone is that I can't give up. I can't maintained focused on death cause it will only stop me from living. Yes, my heart aches for you to be there for me when I come home, to tell me the guys who breaks my heart isn't good enough for your girl, or to join me on family trips like most dads. But I've accepted that my world is different from that. I've accepted that none of you are gonna be in it. I have taken what I can learn from this and put it to my heart. I've grown up knowing people come and go, and that no one will be there forever. I've learned one just got to enjoy the time one have together, make the best out of life and be grateful when it all passes away. They tell me I was your little princess, but I think you know I grew up to be tougher than that.
I'll be alright from here on, and I hope the both of you are too. I got a lot going for me, I managed my dream and moved outcountry on my own. It might be the hardest challenge yet, but it's provided me with a lifestyle I wouldn't be without. I know life and I wanna live it. Even tho this day is gonna be hard I'm not gonna spend it alone. I got some wonderful people in my life who loves me and I them. I'm not alone and you'll always, always be in my heart. Even though I will face all my years to come without you, even though I can't hear your voice, I know that you'll be right with me.
I love you, I love you so much.

Rest in peace

16.09.1960 - 20.11.2001

Forever your loving daughter,

When I was back home this summer I got that question quite a lot along with 'Have you become a model?' or 'Are you going to do this instead of writing?' Well this is how I figured I could answer most of you who still wonder about this. 

The Writing Part...

Just to establish one thing: Writing has been one of the biggest passions in my life since I became a teenager. There will never be a moment I decide to "stop" my plan to write my books, but that does not mean I won't try out other things. For an example I'm more likely to get another official job than "author" just because of the simple fact that it's a risky thing to put all my faith and future on. Now that that's said, the reason you hear more about the modelling on this blog is because there's a limited amount of information I can give about my progress as a writer. I've published some of my small writing samples, but it's not like I can publish the bigger projects now is it? Obviously. 

The Modelling Part...

Am I a model? I don't call myself that. The photographers I'm shooting with might, but I've never seen myself that way and don't know if I'll ever be used to do so either. The thing is I'm "in learning", I'm building a portfolio. I'm not being paid, but I'm not paying anything either. So what you'd like to call me I'll leave up to you. Now is modelling something I want to go for? Well I don't know. I love it for two reasons, it's fun and it gives me a hell of a lot of confidence. But what I've been told from my photographers so far and experienced when the pressure is being stronger is that Modelling can be quite demanding physically. Professional models have to be ready for a shoot whenever, with whoever, etc. I find a month with 3 or 4 shoots tiring because there is this constant pressure to look good, feel good, have a good stamina, not be bloated, etc. Now modells have this pressure everyday, every hour of the day if they get called in. I really doubt I'd be able to or even willing to handle that. I'm actually not surprised most models have an eating disorder. 

...and a little bit about confidence 

Now I mentioned I like to do the shoots and portfolio building for confidence, and it honestly is a confidence boost which is why I want to take the chance and recommand anyone out there to grab a camera, go out with friends/a friend and have a shoot. Even go to a professional photographer if you want, you never know where it might lead you - and no matter what you'll have a fun time and good pictures to show for it. Confidence is one of the most important things a person have to deal with through their lives while at the same time it is one of the things people & experiences will constantly try and take away from you. Makes it quite obvious you got to fight for it then doesn't it? Challenge yourself. That's what I do everytime I step infront of a camera. I got a goal, a story to tell and a picture to take. I think my biggest fright is when I'm publishing the results; it gets my heart pounding and my thoughts racing until the first comments arrive, but when they're positive, then I know I can dare to be daring. And if it's negative? well some are always going to be negative and that's when you fight for your confidence. It's my job to feel good about myself and -

- Only the above can judge me

Basically I chose to visit Bath because I'm planning to move there for uni when I'm done with my BA hons Eng lit and Creative writing in Aberystwyth, so be prepared that my opinions on the city might be different than those of a tourist's view. Well, Bath is a city of elegance and simplicity (pretty sure that's the words the tour bus guide used). The whole town is build in the same Georgian style and it's absolutely stunning, especially for any 18th century fans like myself (think Jane Austen). It also have the most beautiful country side. This gives the town a charm and beauty I've been missing in other towns and which you usually would go to Greece, Italy or Paris for. Speaking of Paris - Bath also offers the same assosiations. And here's where my tourist happiness stopped. You have to be really comfortable in your own company to take pleasure of Bath to the full extent. Like Paris it's quite a romantic city, and if you go alone you spend 30-50% of the time thinking how single you are (and how much it sucks). I think the many red flowers, the beautiful scenarios, spa's and horse&bungy made it the hardest. But then again, Paris offers excitement and possibilites and so does Bath. I can't deny that the extra attention of a hunk leaning over his wheel to smile to me when he drove past, another starting to sing Sean Kingston's 'Beautiful Girl' and a third wolfwhistling as he climbed down from the house he was fixing, lifted my spirit - tho the wolfwhistling did make me roll my eyes (What can I say, us girls really don't know what we want do we ;p).

On another level I was checking out the town from a student's point of view, a student that currently is studying in Aber to say. Well Bath is definitely a much, much bigger town than Aber (shouldn't take that much really) and with all the buildnings looking alike I have to admit I walked in circles once....or twice....or let's just say I ran out of counting..!
The people wasn't quite as welcoming as they are in Aber, but that might also have been because I weren't drunk (?) - it's a possibility... Speaking of being drunk, I couldn't see any nightclubs (might have been because I was circling the same streets mostly) but thinking about it, I can't imagine the nightlife being less varied than in aber - and if that so be the case, Bristol isn't too far away I've heard. So yes, after day two in Bath and some batting of eyelashes later, I think I'll be doing a good choice in choosing Bath, but I also have to check out Oxford Brooks before I decide.

Have a good weekend people, I got a train to catch and this internet cafe is eating my money.

ps: guess which idiot forgot her Camera and phone charger, yes, that'd be me. Period.

Nevertheless, life has to go on and I will soon be blogging about other stuff, though I really got no idea what atm. I have been looking through my archieves and found I have quite a lot of writing to do from the roadtrip I took during easter (whoops) so I'll probably start there and finally give you the details of what I can remember...Let's just hope I can remember ANYthing....

But I'm not gonna do that tonight. Tonight I'm sitting alone in our livingroom, looking out at the darkness while being snuggled up in our armchair. Yiruma with River Flows in You is playing in the background and is as usually putting unspoken words to my feelings and thoughts. Feelings and thoughts of loneliness....happiness....and contentment. It has such a beautiful tone to it that song...and it fits my mood perfectly. I'm feeling loneliness of obvious reasons (besides sitting alone in the livingroom, staring out of the window like a knob) cause I miss someone to have and to hold, I miss that closeness and intimacy with someone I'd hold more valuable than anyone else. But then again I'm feeling happiness. I have some wonderful days left at home with my old friends that care for me a lot, and only two weeks left before I'll be off to wales and start living again (preferably before I loose my sanity by being at home....justkidding). I'll see my darlings, move into the new flat with my most precious bestfriend Trine, meet new people and just live! As you probably can see I'm still longing back to the uk, and I'm pretty sure much of the loneliness comes from that as well. Finally all in all I'm still feeling contentment. sort of. I'm feeling content because I've had an enjoyable evening with mates where we laughed, joked and laughed some more. I'm content because there is no such thing as never and because I will see everyone I miss very soon. I'm content (more blessed actually) because I'm alive and that the ones I love is safe. I'm content because I know whatever'll happen, life will go on and there'll always be possibilites. I'm content because even tho one might feel sad and lost at times, there is always light in the end of the tunnel. 

//photo: weheartit


 
//photo: facebook

So it's been over a week since the big tragedy and life has finally started getting back to normal. Tonight I think I slept without nightmares for the first time since it all, well at least I don't have any memory of it tho somehow the cold sweat, depressed mood and tired limbs makes me believe I had some small ones during the night. But I gotta say it was a relief not to see the images perfectly clear before me. I can barely think of how terrible it must be for those who actually were on Utoya...and I'm saying that with compassion and respect. 

When the first weekend had just passed, the shock and disbelief of the attack still had their claws in us. The monday after was the courtroom meeting for whose-name-is-not-worth-mentioning, which I think was the first breath pushing some clouds away from our sight. Some of the shock turned to anger. The denial turned to frustration against the man that took our brothers and sisters away from us along with the sense of safety that Norway always had. 

Now I think his ideas and reasons to do these cruel actions is already familiar enough amongst most people after media, and do not need my help by going further into description. But what I want with this article is to give the world a counter-message, to say that violence is not the only resolution and that taking a life is never acceptable, because I believe it's needed to be said and it's the right thing to do in respect for the people that we lost. 

//Photo: google

This is said to have been done for an revolusion, which repulse me. It is also said that some people support&honor this, which repulse me even more. Wake up! It is time to smell the truth! Ending a life means ending a gift the greater good up there gave and which truly is only for it to take away. It means ending the dreams, emotions, free thoughts and speech of another being. It means suffocating someones breathing. To take a life is therefore the biggest crime anyone can do and will make one less worth than worthless (Always remember; Karma's a bitch). With all my heart I believe that anyone that thinks a life is worth taking to justify (or even try to justify) politics or religion, should be scared of their own mind (and a whole bunch of ugly things that I've chosen not to mention). This is real life, this is not a film, this is real human beings with real lifevalues..!
Hitler tried to seperate the race of humans, what came out of it? An unbelieveable number of innocent people (women, children and men) that lost their lives and a community that developed as it is today. Do you know why it developed like that? Because 2WW made people realize it is not the colour of someone's skin, their religion or their culture that makes one human being more valuable than the other. That value is set by who's good and who's bad, who takes a life and who gives it. By the end of the day our conscience is the only thing that seperate one human from the other, and what we really fear is threats to our lives and people with criminal minds. So when we face terror like the 22nd we know it doesn't matter what beliefs or politics it was done for because those two can only be justified by things like Humanity and Democracy. If you can't win it with your voice, then your community simply do not feel the same way. Killing and terroractions do not justify anything, it will make the world turn its back to you because it does not agree!

Think how much better it would have been if we learned to live together, accepting each other for what we are and what we believe and see beyond that - to learn to adapt instead of overlapping each others cultures. Like every human is special, so is every culture. Leave the killing for the nature, that is tragic enough. He-whose-name-is-not-worth-mentioning thought himself a hero, now the ocean of people did not gather to hear him speak did they now? They didn't lay down roses for love and sorrow to support the hatred. They gathered to mourn and pray for the victims. To stand together against pain and cruelty. Believers as non-believers. White as dark. Christians as Muslims.

Why?
Because they are our true heroes. 
Why?
Because the world will always fight the bad with the good - and that is what we need to believe in. 

//photo: VG.no


This is a Norwegian summer, peaceful and quiet, and about the only time of the year where everyone seems to be harmonically distant from a stressing everyday life. Yesterday, early afternoon, I had just put on my uniform and was playing cards with my cousin waiting for my bus when everyone gathered around the television. Shock and silence lowered over us of what we saw. It was like a broadcast from another country where war is a regular part of a normal day. Windows gone, broken glass all over the place, people in pain, panic and disturbance. The flashing word of 'Terror' was mimicked in our faces.

 Having chosen to study abroad and with a bigger wish to move there as well, I can say I haven't been Norway's biggest fan. I can disagree in the politics, be annoyed with the changes made and have my own personal bad associations to the country. But after the terror our country experienced yesterday there was no question in my mind; I'm Norwegian. I got Norwegian blood in my veins and it's pumping fast in aches for all the sorrow and anger I feel on the behalf of my country.

Our country was shaken three times...first by the terrifying thought of being under a terror attack by terrorists, then by the horrible fact that these crimes where meaningless and done in an unlogically way that made no sense by someone of our own nationality...then a final time, when the numbers of innocent kids and adults killed came out with the morning newspaper along with thoroughly descriptions of what they had gone through on Utoya. Suddenly things loses it's meaning...The latest argument one had, the latest love drama, the latest boring day at work or that dress one absolutely would love to get your hands on. All of it looses it's touch, because these were kids that had their whole life infront of them but was killed coldheartedly because of a seriously disturbed person and his ideas.

Today the streets are silent, arrangements have been cancelled and the news are constantly reporting on tv while even commercials have been turned off. Pictures are being shown from Oslo with armed military watching the streets; images one haven't seen since the 2WW and which one never thought would be seen in Norway again. Our safe Norway... But one thing have still not changed, and that is that in times like these Norway is showing it's true colours. The patriotic atmosphere have risen from all our hearts and can be touched and felt wherever you go.

We've raised our flags. Today we're mourning, hugging each other and crying, but we won't stop living. We won't stop being happy, we won't stop crying, we won't stop dreaming, we won't stop loving, and we won't stop fighting. We might be a small country, but we got big hearts. We might be an arrogant country, but we're proud and bold. We might fight in wars, but we do it for freedom and world peace. Whether it's terrorism from the inside or the outside, we're standing together through it all (and thanks to the amazing support and good wishes from all around the world we're not standing alone <3 ). Finally, I'd want to offer all my thoughts and blessing to the families that lost someone, the ones our country lost and everyone that survived, may your lives be good and may your loved ones Rest in Peace...

• Maybe what surprised me the most was how much I learned and changed from High School. When finishing High School you're usually on the top of the world and feeling like a proper adult, but starting university (especially abroad) shows you how you keep learning every year of your life and that there are a lot more to learn before you can call yourself "adult".
  
  
• While you change, so does the people around you and the things you're used to. Suddenly you find you're loosing contact with someone for several reasons - and sometimes this makes you depressed because you're stuck in the past. But past is past, present is now and future is developing from now. If you know that you're the one that have done something wrong it's best to follow your conscience and do something about it, but if you know that you're better without that situation in your life it's time to turn your back to it and move forward. Life's too short to be stuck with a bad feeling, drama and grudges. 
  
  
•  Shit happens. Sometimes things doesn't go as you'd hoped but there's always other options - there's more fish in the sea, there's more jobs on the market, etc. All you gotta do is do your best, and when you move on you learn from what went wrong and make sure you do it better next time. And one important thing to remember: some things never have a beginning, but very few things have an absolute ending - no matter how much it feels like it. 
  
  
• Drama, spreading of rumours and backstabbing was probably well fun in lower secondary, but it doesn't belong with the young adults. If you can't say something nice, shut up. If you hear something bad about someone, don't judge before you've given the person a chance to say her/his side of the story, and if you hear about someone saying stuff about you then you turn around, bless yourself for not having such a petty life as them and turn your attention to good friends that know you better than that. 
  
  
•  It's easy to be hung up in gossip, bitterness, secrets and all sorts of things that can make you say or do things you maybe shouldn't - it's natural, we're humans, we fail all the time. But what's important in these situation is that you only do what you have the conscience to do, cause if you're not feeling well about it; then you know it's the absolutely wrong thing to do.
  
  
• One of the best things with rumours and lies being something no one really cares about at uni, is that you finally can do whatever you want without being judged like you did in High School. It's not about pleasing others anymore, it's about doing what you feel is right, what you want, to fail and to learn, to be your own judge. But don't go risking others emotions for your own pleasures - it's still about what you have the conscience to do cause while you're trying to live your life, others are as well. 
  
  
• Take risks, fail, get up and get knocked down, get up again and strike back. Life in a nutshell.
  
  
• For most people there's a reason for why you choose to go abroad. But when you are abroad it's so flippin' easy to feel lonely, alone and misunderstood by everyone. Suddenly you appreciate what you had before you left....and then when you go home....you suddenly remember why you left in the first place. To feel torn between two places like this is quite normal for international students I think, and the best way to deal with it isn't to despair and try to choose which one you like the best, it's basically to appreciate that you have two places you can call home! 

• Going abroad to study is like starting your life over again. It's a new start where you'll automatically present yourself with all your best qualities or the qualities you like the most. But over time, people and happenings will change you, just like life did back home, and maybe give you qualities you don't like that much. How to avoid this? well, this figurative new birth has an advantage that your first birth didn't have - all the lessons you've already learned through life. So use them, don't suppress them, and you'll avoid hitting that same wall that you left.
  
  
• Studying abroad means new cultures...and most people would say that new cultures will affect how you're supposed to behave and how others will understand/see you. This might be true in the beginning, but by the end of the day we're in a modern community that are aware of the international relations and therefore are capable of seeing each other for what we really are: humans, the basics are all the same.  

I think this was all about what I had to say at the moment. The funny thing with lessons is that you forget some of them over time and will have to learn over and over again before you actually manage to remember. I have to admit I had to go back to my 20th birthday article to remember some of the lessons I listed (A) oh weeell..

Have a good day everyone! 

The first week was the worst. I didn't sleep much at all. I woke up in panic that there was something I had forgotten, done wrong or had to fix back in the uk, but found myself stuck in my room in Norway. Sometimes I wouldn't even go to sleep and just stay awake hours after hours feeling how much I missed people back in the uk. Not that it's not great seeing old mates, bestfriends and family back here as well - it's probably because of them that I haven't gone back already! I really did miss them and the things we used to do, while I was in the uk because these are the people that know everything about me and that I "grew up with". It's my roots, they have a whole different meaning to me than who and what is important in my life at the moment. But as soon as you've met them, said hello and hugged them, there's suddenly nothing more to do. They have their own new routine, news and life that I haven't been a part of for almost a year - how to fit into something like that? And it's the same the other way around, I can tell them as much as I want from my year abroad but they won't really feel or know what I've been through and what I've experienced. Seeing as I'm also going back; the uk is where I live now, it's where I can actually live life. Whatever I do here won't matter in a couple of months, which kinda explains why I spent most days during the first week in bed, being too stressed out by that thought to bother getting involved. Guess these split feelings about where to be and where to belong and live is what really makes it hard to study abroad.

I finally have something to do though, I started at my old workplace again on Thursday. My second home, my second family. It was so nice to see everyone (and not to speak about jumping into the uniform) again. I also took all the shifts I could to keep me occupied until I'm going back to the UK (I'll be going weeks before originally planned!). One of my superiors, who has always been a real "lifecoach" and advicer for me whenever I needed it, could tell how I was feeling at once. As soon as we were on our own she asked me if I was tired and disliked being here, if I'd rather want to be in the uk etc. cause she'd noticed me being too silent from how she could remember me. Of course she was right. in all her guesses. As always, because she knows me. 

But I don't think the rest of my summer in Norway is gonna be too bad. The sun is finally shining after all that raining, even tho the harsh weather left me with a cold. I might be spending a lot of time with my friends next week so that will be well nice and refreshing. And then I got work. My blessed beloved work(place), where I'm gonna spend 75% of my summer before I'm heading back. That ain't too bad now is it?

  


My hand's grip on the slender neck. The other runs down curves and length. Fingers play the beauty by her strings. Hear her voice as she sings. Yes, the audience she compels, my power all ensuming - a trick a jester never tells.
I see you through the crowd, wearing your face. But any masks have the same fault, your eyes shines through the haze. They're a challenge to me, like I'm a challence to you. My chase starts to thee, I'll take you by the waist, to your taste.
It's a dance. It's a game. It's insane. You'll spin. I'll pull you inn. It's my win. When I lead, you follow. You want to play my violin. But it's a jester's game, I'll leave you hollow. Yes, rest your neck on my shoulder, I'll kiss your skin. Bless your ears with beautiful things. Ha, let your body swoon into my arms, feel the power of my charms.
I'll be yours whenever you want me to be, I'm dressed as your shiny knight. But don't forget I have one rule for me, the jester comes out at night. So I spin you like my spinning doll, pull the threads, but keep the ball on a roll. It's spin the bottle, at some eyes it holds - oh hello - byebye darling, this is truth to be told. I enjoyed the ride, you were well so fine. I amuse the kings, I engage the queens. Even I got thine, you'll never be mine. So to my work of art, listen well,

My lies will send you straight to hell...

PS: Might be edited later

Copyrighted to Christina L. Qvam, 15th of June 2011

Room when leaving....and this is the picture that makes me wanna cry :'/


Let's turn the time back to a time of the day where I was just as tired as I when I started writing this (and fell asleep), but with the difference that I had hours with travelling to look forward to instead of looking back at. 

My journey from Aber with the destination Kristiansund, Norway AKA home started at 5.10am (or something) 7th of June, when the train rolled in on the train station and it was time to leave aber and uni life behind for the summer. After having been awake since Monday 12pm it is needless to say that I fell asleep straight away. But on a train you never get to sleep much before someone rudely wakes you up, and this happened again...and again...and again...............and again. The worst wake-up call was when they told us to quickly change train because ours had terminated on the current station. Do not ask me which one, I had enough with collecting my seven feet and bags and hurl myself into another wagon to figure it out. I fell asleep pretty quickly again as well, but not before the people working there explained they had simply forgotten about the change. Sweet, if I missed my flight I knew who to blame. 

When we rolled up at Birmingham International Airport my heart was pretty much racing all the time. I had an hour to check in and no idea where to go. It went quite simple tho, besides the security check that decided to take it's time with me - scanning my laptop and all - and I breathed out when I looked up on the gateboard....only to find out my flight was delayed with an half hour. Joyful times. 

Since my flight was delayed that much I had to run like fuck - crazy person might have been observed at Copenhagen Airtport in Denmark 7th of  June, mid-day - for my gate and connection to Oslo. I managed it with 5minutes or so left on the clock, thanking my lucky star that all tickets where checked-in in Birmingham. 

Oslo....
Back in Norway....
I think I've never felt more a stranger to my own country. I talked english to everyone, was close to paying with quids and had to think long and hard for how on earth I would be able to do the one thing after the other. Might have been my brain over-working tho after all the tiredness. Some others seemed to notice my two days worth absence of sleep as I was once again stopped in the security control - fine I was tired, but come on! Did I really have to stamp "not a junkie! " in my forehead? Also some random guy started talking to me in english about "isn't it nice to start the day getting undressed?" I nervously rolled off an reply before I turned my back to him, looking into the smiling face of his mate. Nice men, really. not weird at all..
Oslo airport was not impressive...and especially not when I had to pay £7 for a baguette and drink, whick would have been 3-4 in Wales...

That's it, I'm going back!

Finally on the plane to Kristiansund I kept promising myself I would be back  in less than an hour...less than an hour....less than an hour....zzzzzzzZzzzZzzz

I got waken up by a start, thinking I had missed going off at my airport because the plane was on its way up again (and I knew we already had gone off from Oslo). It happened to be that the weather was so bad they couldn't land in Kristiansund and had to ship us off to the nearest town with an airport. So we landed there. Me with no battery. My family waiting in Kristiansund. Good times. 

SAS had ordered buses for us to take us back (an hour long ride) and so I went with the buses and got the genius idea to connect my phone to the computer, finally getting some batteries. Then the messages popped in

"stay in Molde, we're coming there" "We're here, there's no buses here"

to make it short, I was on my way to Kristiansund and my family on their way to Molde, they were actually in Molde when we had gone. So it all ended with my auntie having to pick me up for them and drive me back from Kristiansund and home where happy faces were waiting. Finally home, two hours later than expected. 

How is it being at home?

 I don't know. May (one of my close friends in Norway) analysed me to be standing with one leg in each country when I explained my feelings. I think that fits really well. Being in Wales made me miss people who knew me throughly so that I didn't have to explain or tell everything that's happened in my past life over and over again. It made me miss the food-quality and taste, the traditions, my cat and to be able to cross the street without being run over. 

Now that I'm home I miss people in aber, I miss people that know what's been going on for the last 8 months of my life, I miss talking english and I miss living it english. I had mixed feelings with wearing an english style in Kristiansund, needless to say I felt like having a spotlight over my head. But then I met my friends again and that was well nice. And my cat, my pride of life...is it still bad that I think of the UK 24/7? 

  

Someone is happy I'm home... <3



Dear God, I beg for my shifts to come in my hands soon so I can start doing something and avoid hitting my head in the wall. Cheers. 

(ps: I really am happy tho to see my friends and family again)

Playsuit

Playsuit




Jumpsuit

more information at  http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=49698922327

Before this I had two portfolio-build up sessions in April, the first one was my first time on location which was a big difference to shooting in studio (and now my favourite thing to do). Some of the pictures you can see here and more on facebook if u know me:






A week afterwards I had a bikini-photoshoot. Now this was a very special experience as it took me a lot to build up the confidence to do it and to keep doing it even though people would stop and watch. Once I emerged from the ocean and found there was a whole audience there - most surreal moment of my life. I have met people that find it hard to believe that before I came here I thought any compliments was a disguised way of taking the piss out of me. I might put up a confident face, but most of the time (sober) I'm just as anxious to be judged as anyone and those who knows me knows this as well. I hate big crowds; walking alone through a full supermarket, shoppingmall or nightclubs if sober, because I'm always thinking people to be thinking cruel things or laughing. One can usually tell as well when I'm uncomfortable because I walk quickly in a straight line, ignore everyone around me, hold my breath and look close to annoyed/worried. Guess I got it from my hometown, which is pretty bad. I can only say that the reason why I can go through with these photoshoots is because I now have wonderful people backing me up and that the photoshoots themselves gives me more confidence. The UK has been really good for me when it comes to feeling well about myself. I might still be biting my nails after posting the pictures, but as soon as the first comments comes around I usually relax...slightly - still gotta work with it! But over to the bikini pictures, as I said I got nervous as fuck when people stopped and started watching so that there were any good pictures at all is quite a miracle methinks. 





Feeling ready for the summer vacation now!

For the first time since I cannot remember I didn't wake up the 17th of May hangover from the celebrations from the night before, kinda missed that though but one gotta do what one gotta do when the exams are around the corner! 

Anyway, today I dressed up in red, white and blue and had my very own norwegian flag painted in my face since I forgot to ask my gran to ship me a real one (sadface) - even painted Andy's face bahaha - and me and Trine went out for a 17th of May - dinner. Nothing says 17th of May as a dessert with waffles and ice + loads of candy!



Some other Norwegians are having a major dinner and walking in train such is the usual tradition in Norway, but I really can't find the time because of my revising. Oh well, maybe next year! 

Now having said that I wish all you Norwegian Vikings a happy birthday and hope it was nice and sunny back home!


Very weird to spend a 17th of May without the russtrousers or "bunaden". 


How was your 17th of May celebration?

At Friday we had a May Ball. We don't really have a prom or something here I think, but apparently we do have a May Ball! It was pretty amazing to be fair. The buses took us with them to a location further away from Aber where there were put up a fun fair and loads of tents with different activites/areas of partying. They had a oxygen bar, a fishtank pedikure, and all the normal rides on a fun fair. Didn't think a UK uni could be this American! 

Anyway, after having enjoyed the fun fair, it was about time to get super drunk so I spent most of the time in the main area 'cause it was indoors, big, bigger bar and good music. Of the artists playing here there was e.g. Pigeon Detectives and Professor Green. Might say a lot to some of you, didn't much for me tho - which one of my flatmates is a bit annoyed for since me and a friend of mine got invited to the backstage party, handshook random people there and left cause we were bored. haha, oh well!

Anyhow, it was a smashing good night all in all and I enjoyed it a lot. I'm sorry I don't have more pictures, I didn't really have a camera..

Moi would be the one in that blue dress, it is backless and my shoes was awesome, just to put it out there. lol!



So today I've been pretty tired, but also really happy. It was quite a rough day with hungover and stuff yesterday, but at 00.20 me and the girls decided to head out for some partying anyway to cheer up the mood. Best thing ever and it finally thought me the lesson I've been trying to teach myself for ages. I'd like to quote 'How I met your mother' on this one: When I'm sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story

Saved me a hell of a lot of headache and made me dance around my room the entire morning (*cough* 2pm). And also the evening brought more good news as my team RBK beat MFK (no surprise really) and I've been singing the team song for aaaages. 

Now, since I have a lot of revising to do I'll finish this article, so see yah!